my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
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Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit