He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
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cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
This is not me but this is me
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Banana is the quietest snack
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!