Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
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“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Thoughts
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.