One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
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There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.