None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
You Might Also Like
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]