[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
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I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
the three branches of government
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.