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Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.