Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
You Might Also Like
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.