Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
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*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
good work, detective
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Inside you there are two wolves