“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
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Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
me opening up to someone
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*