(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
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[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
me when I see my crush
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out