Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
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😂😂😂
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Yep.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
spot the difference
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.