*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
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We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.