If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
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Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I put the h in mysterious.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone