Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
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Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Miscakes
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock