6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
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Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
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Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
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