Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
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So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Yup.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho