The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
You Might Also Like
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again