Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
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My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
October already? What’s next? November????
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Pee pressure > peer pressure
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how