Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
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the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
A dad and his duck