Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of notacroc's best tweets

@notacroc : [universe where we use wormholes to deliver food] *a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face* Me: stay sharp Blent

@notacroc: [Preschool]
Teacher: aw what's this little guy's name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

@notacroc: Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

@notacroc: DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that's not how it's supposed to work

@notacroc: [1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

@notacroc: Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can't go in

@notacroc: Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don't you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

@notacroc: [alternate universe where jesus christ's name was jeffy spaghetti]

ME: *hears some horrible news* jeffy spaghetti

@notacroc: [getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*

@notacroc: Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don't know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti