Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of notacroc's best tweets

@notacroc : [alternate universe where jesus christ's name was jeffy spaghetti] ME: *hears some horrible news* jeffy spaghetti

@notacroc: [getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*

@notacroc: Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don't know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

@notacroc: [restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how's the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it's grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it's exquisite

@notacroc: RIDDLER: how'd you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

@notacroc: [date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

@notacroc: [spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is taco

ME: four please

JUDGE: we're not-

ME: with chips

JUDGE: ordering

ME: *lips on mic* extra guac

@notacroc: *Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It's important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

@notacroc: BOSS: it's national replace H's with F's day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you're hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

@notacroc: [at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster