@notacroc: [First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
@notacroc: [Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5' 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn't
@notacroc: [Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
@notacroc: INTERVIEWER: what makes you different?
ME: *begins levitating*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: *whispering to my pet chameleons* nice work guys
@notacroc: [universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Teacher: aw what's this little guy's name?
Me: laser panther
@notacroc: Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
@notacroc: DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that's not how it's supposed to work
@notacroc: [1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
ME: but you have to wait for the wars