Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of notacroc's best tweets

@notacroc : [dinner table] SHARK: i got the promotion SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now? SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn't a joke, Sharon

@notacroc: Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the 'V' when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can't we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

@notacroc: Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

@notacroc: [First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

@notacroc: [Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5' 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn't

@notacroc: [Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

@notacroc: INTERVIEWER: what makes you different?
ME: *begins levitating*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: *whispering to my pet chameleons* nice work guys

@notacroc: [universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

@notacroc: [Preschool]
Teacher: aw what's this little guy's name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

@notacroc: Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this