@notalogin: Which of the f's in 'Jeff' is silent?

@notalogin: [My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

@notalogin: Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I'm actually a HUGE coward

@notalogin: I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn't
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea's best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It's Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

@notalogin: Pretty much everyone I've ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

@notalogin: Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

@notalogin: I think I speak for all of us when I say I'm being presumptuous.

@notalogin: What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A... pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don't care.

@notalogin: The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it's actually one guy who's chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work