why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
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“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend