You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
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Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon