ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
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Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE