Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
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Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
get you a girl who
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.