I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
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Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.