I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
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My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Breaking news:
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.