@novicefather: [iphone vibrates]
3yo: daddy someone is texting you
[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?
"I'm not sure your experience is sufficient for this position."
me: Trump is president
"Touché, you're hired"
@novicefather: If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, odds are it's a vegan, black bean, veggie burger and my wife is cooking.
@novicefather: her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep
her: *wakes up with no eyebrows
her: what are you thinking about?
me: these pretzels are making me thirsty
"Describe yourself in 5 words."
me: Salacious. Professionally sensual. HR compliant.