I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
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I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
normalize having existential bread
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
⛄️
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men