you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
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Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed