I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
You Might Also Like
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
#math
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’