Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
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Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?