[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
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We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry