Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of nyquills's best tweets

@nyquills : God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do. Sloth: God: Sloth: God: Sloth: God: Sloth: God: Sloth: God: Sloth: *begins moving towards chair* God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

@nyquills: I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

@nyquills: God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

@nyquills: Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it's done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i'm moving your office to the basement.

@nyquills: [Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We'll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

@nyquills: God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn't believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so... we're all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

@nyquills: God: you're man's best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what

@nyquills: Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other's sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea...

@nyquills: [MasterChef]

GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.