You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
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trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
How it started: How it’s going:
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.