Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
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Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.