Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of oakhillbargrill's best tweets

@oakhillbargrill : I'd like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.

@oakhillbargrill: Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

@oakhillbargrill: Me: So it's kittens... driving sports cars!!

Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.

Me: PLEASE DON'T REJECT "THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST"

@oakhillbargrill: Son: I'm addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

@oakhillbargrill: I've been playing the blame game with my wife

I'm losing 1,227,456 to 3

@oakhillbargrill: Spreads legs... Nope

Spreads two other legs .... Nope

Spreads two others .... Dammit, no

Spreads last two.... BINGO!!

- spider sex

@oakhillbargrill: Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

@oakhillbargrill: - grabs leash
- grabs phone
- takes dog out for walk
- pulls out phone
- checks Twitter
- walks dog to South America

@oakhillbargrill: If you are trading Cephalopods, it's important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know....

Squid Pro Quo