@oakhillbargrill: Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS
@oakhillbargrill: Me: So it's kittens... driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON'T REJECT "THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST"
@oakhillbargrill: Son: I'm addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Son: *turns into bat
@oakhillbargrill: I've been playing the blame game with my wife
I'm losing 1,227,456 to 3
@oakhillbargrill: Spreads legs... Nope
Spreads two other legs .... Nope
Spreads two others .... Dammit, no
Spreads last two.... BINGO!!
- spider sex
@oakhillbargrill: Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Communication is hard
@oakhillbargrill: - grabs leash
- grabs phone
- takes dog out for walk
- pulls out phone
- checks Twitter
- walks dog to South America
@oakhillbargrill: If you are trading Cephalopods, it's important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
Squid Pro Quo