You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
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My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”