Funny Tweeter

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Page of offbeatoliv's best tweets

@offbeatoliv : I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

@offbeatoliv: Don't perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

@offbeatoliv: My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

@offbeatoliv: Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

@offbeatoliv: [During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

@offbeatoliv: Scotch neat please

Umm...this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch "grande"

@offbeatoliv: U know the 1960's movie "The Birds" about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That's me when I open the Tupperware cabinet...

@offbeatoliv: A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

@offbeatoliv: interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla

@offbeatoliv: I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.