Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of offbeatoliv's best tweets

@offbeatoliv : I like my coffee like my men...not in my colon...

@offbeatoliv: Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

@offbeatoliv: Vin Diesel's real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

@offbeatoliv: I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

@offbeatoliv: Don't perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

@offbeatoliv: My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

@offbeatoliv: Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

@offbeatoliv: [During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

@offbeatoliv: Scotch neat please

Umm...this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch "grande"

@offbeatoliv: U know the 1960's movie "The Birds" about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That's me when I open the Tupperware cabinet...