@offbeatoliv: Don't perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
@offbeatoliv: [During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
@offbeatoliv: U know the 1960's movie "The Birds" about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That's me when I open the Tupperware cabinet...
@offbeatoliv: A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
@offbeatoliv: interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
@offbeatoliv: I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.