@offbeatoliv: Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
@offbeatoliv: I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
@offbeatoliv: Don't perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
@offbeatoliv: [During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
@offbeatoliv: U know the 1960's movie "The Birds" about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That's me when I open the Tupperware cabinet...