fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
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robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
😆this is so true
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.