She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
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Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.