If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
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Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom