[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
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Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
They got a point!
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st