Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
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Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually