Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
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[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I am, perchance
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Writing, She Murdered.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on