Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ojedge's best tweets

@ojedge : [attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear] ME: Thank you all for coming 37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

@ojedge: 🎶 Whoa we're half way there,
Whoa-oh…

@ojedge: Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] "You're gonna be sleeping with the fishes…"

Me: "Umm, it's 'fish'."

M: "This. This is why."

@ojedge: [red carpet] "So Ryan, who are u with tonight?"

Ryan Gosling [proudly] "My parents"

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

@ojedge: [cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] "How much is this worth?"

"It's 25 carats…"

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]

@ojedge: 'Pop Goes The Weasel' is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.

@ojedge: Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better... or worse? Better... or worse?

@ojedge: Darth Vader's full name is Dartholomew Spaceinvader.

@ojedge: He died doing what he loved; shouting 'boo!' behind horses.