I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
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Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
me irl
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement