Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
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When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!