Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
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Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Pass gas, not judgment.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club