Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
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Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.