Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
You Might Also Like
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.