We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
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My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
fr
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?