People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
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Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.